Natalie

“You did not break me.”

I started dancing when I was 2 years old. It's always been my outlet. It was my thing, and growing up, it was so exciting and fulfilling. When I graduated high school, I went to University of the Arts for dance. But midway through college, I was sexually assaulted, and it rocked me in ways that have taken me a long time to understand.

The mind body connection is not some mythical thing. It’s such a strong connection, and once the body has endured some sort of trauma, it is stored in every part of your being. In your hips, in your flexibility… in everything. For me, that connection is so strong, and after my assault it became so broken. It didn’t just affect me in my personal life, it affected the thing that was closest to me. I lost my love of dance, and it’s taken me years to get it back.

College was hard. I was in college during COVID, and I was going through a lot of changes in my life. In November of 2020, I left a pretty significant relationship with a boyfriend. It was 3.5 years long, which, at that point in your life, is a very long-lasting relationship. When things started opening up a little bit at the end of that year, my friend invited me to a New Years Eve party. We didn’t know a ton of people there, but we had a great time. Unfortunately, the night ended up with me staying at the house of her boyfriend at the time, which is where I was sexually assaulted.

It was heartbreaking.

Sexual assault is something that is talked about so often, but you never expect it to happen to you. I was always so aware of it growing up; my mom was assaulted when she was in college as well, and I think she did everything that she could to protect me from it. I carry a lot of guilt around that. It’s hard knowing that this has happened to me too, because I know how hard she tried to keep me safe. Unfortunately, it’s so common and so prevalent in women’s lives, that it’s like… it’s a story that’s so many people’s story. You always hear about it, but you never expect it. It happens when it happens. It’s so scary in that way. For me, it happened when I was asleep - I woke up to it. It was so horrible that sometimes I’ll get panic attacks when I go to bed. I was getting pretty aggressive panic attacks if I found myself in that sleeping position on my back. It is so evident to me now how trauma gets trapped in the body. It was a complete trauma response.

I remember when I went to the cops, I had such empathy for the man who assaulted me. I was sitting in the Special Victims Unit, and they were asking me questions, and one of the questions that the detective asked was, “Do you want to put this man in jail?” I really contemplated it. I went back and forth, because in my brain I was like, “Here I am. I don’t want to put a black man in jail. But what he did doesn’t have anything to do with race. It’s a moral issue.” I sat there and contemplated it. And then I said, “I don’t want to put someone in jail. I don’t want to ruin someone’s life.” And the detective said, “But didn’t he already ruin yours?” I’ll never get that out of my head. 

After reporting, I lay in bed for six days straight. I completely dissociated. I went back to my mom’s house, and she kept trying to bring me food, but it kept deteriorating on the nightstand. I literally just… it was like a blackout, I could not tell you what happened in those six days. I just lay there, thinking, “What the fuck just happened to me?” I was denying it to myself, like, “I don’t know what happened to me. Oh my God, was I wrong? Did I pick the wrong person? Are the pictures they are showing me the right people? Is it him?” I went through so much.

There were times when it felt like I couldn’t move forward, but I’ve been resilient. I’m going to therapy, and I’m trying my best to get through it. And now I feel like I can give back and show that there is a way to move forward after this. 

2021 was the hardest year of my life. Right after the trauma had happened to me, 5 days later, my dad told me he was diagnosed with cancer. He’s fine now, thank God, but l kind of had to step up. I’ve always been that type of person - no matter what I’m going through, I’m going to help someone else. Being a fixer in that way can sometimes be a little bit debilitating; it can be a lot piled on at once. But if I can’t control what’s happening to me, at least I can control how I help somebody else. It was a lot, which is probably why I’m still unpacking it now. But looking at those moments has helped me see that life is one long learning curve. All you can do is learn and try to move forward. It’s been a driving force for me.

I consider myself a very spiritual person. I don’t really believe in organized religion, but I just trust that I was put on this earth to do something, and I have not done it yet. I’m not done. It can be really scary in those moments when you’re contemplating if you want to leave Earth, but I think that the thing for me is that there’s so much more to live for.

These days, I can confidently say that I’m pretty much healed when it comes to the dance part of it. I’ve been working hard to get back into my body and quiet my self-critic. I’m releasing. I think I’m finally dancing where I was before the assault, which is great. It’s just taken a lot of work. But part of what has helped me heal is spreading dance and spreading kindness and awareness. I get so much joy out of it. I teach three-year-olds, and when I can teach these kids to love and appreciate dance, it is so rewarding. In my studio space, I’m protecting these kids. I’m holding a love, and I’m hopefully teaching them how to be self-sufficient. I get so much honor and pride in teaching a kid how to tie their tap shoes, for instance. There are so many parts of my life that I give back to so many people, and that is what pushes me through.

Going through the trial process for sexual assault is something inexplicable; I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I was always told, “The trial’s going to be the worst part,” and that’s been true. The trial was the worst part. What lawyers are allowed to do in that space is… it’s diabolical. You’re the victim, but up on the stand, you feel like you’re the one being tried. They said things like, “You were an alcoholic. You were at a party and you willed this guy to come meet you at home. You willed him to come to your bed. It was a set plan that he was going to have sex with you,” all of this stuff. And from your own truth, you’re like, “No, I went home. I was way too drunk. I fully believe someone drugged me. I passed out asleep, and I woke up to this happening.” But of course, because no one was there and it’s a trial, the defense is going to do whatever they can to figure out some sort of argument. They don’t care. No one cares. They don’t have empathy in that space. The system is so messed up when it comes to that. I fully understand why people don’t report. It’s taken me so long to process the trial. On the stand, they’re showing you pictures… One of the first things I did after my assault was have a rape kit done. And they’re showing pictures of the bruises on my body, asking, “Is this your neck?” They have it on a big screen for the whole… I mean, my dad’s in the courtroom. My perpetrator’s whole family is in the courtroom. You feel so exposed. It’s not something that anyone fully understands unless you’ve been through it. It’s so easy for people to say, “Well, why don’t you just report? Let’s just report. I don’t understand why people wouldn’t report, blah blah blah.” Well, I totally get it. I totally get that.

The assault happened over 3 years ago, and I’m still in court proceedings right now, into 2024. We already had the whole trial. It was supposed to be held in 2022, but it got postponed to 2023. We had a trial by jury, and he was deemed guilty of sexual assault, which is a felony. And then the judge turned around and said, “I’m going to review the notes, because I don’t know if I agree with this.” A jury of 12 people who didn't know me at all listened to my story, they listened to the defense, they listened to all the arguments, to all the slander, and they had a verdict. They heard me, and nobody disagreed. We got that guilty verdict. We got that. We are always told that a trial by jury is the highest level of trial and should be respected to the highest degree. I had so much hope. I thought we had won. But the judge was like, nope, we’re taking that away from you.

The sentencing hearing was supposed to be in November. I was there for three hours that day, waiting and waiting and waiting. My lawyer had told me that I would be able to read a victim’s statement with the sentencing, so I had it prepared. I was ready to go. I was finally going to be able to get my closure. So, I stayed there for three hours, waiting with his whole family next to me. And then it got postponed. Everything keeps getting postponed. I broke down hard after that. The holidays were rough.

So, now we are in 2024. The judge decided that she is going to allow a retrial. The jury’s verdict was overturned by the judge, even with DNA evidence in the rape kit. She’s a female judge, which hurts even more. The main topic of concern is consent and the argument that lack of consent cannot be proven. So now the district attorney is going to appeal that decision, which means that our case is going to go into a pile with a bunch of other cases, and it can take up to six months before we hear anything. So once again, it’s just a big waiting game.

Since the assault, I’ve been on one date. I’ve been on one single date. As a 23-year-old woman, it’s extremely frustrating. The date I went on was with a man who was new to Philadelphia, and after the date was over, I stopped a block away from my house to tell him, “Oh, you walk down that way.” I had to direct him a block away, because I didn’t want to show him to my house.

I haven’t put a ton of energy into dating because I’m so scared. I’m so scared out here. There are still times when I wake up and have panic attacks. It’s hard to go through it after the fact. To have PTSD. Because it never fully left my brain. I know people say “everyone has baggage,” and they do, but I just don’t think it’s fair for me to take my unhealed body and unhealed persona into a relationship. I don’t think it’s necessarily fair for me to bring that into something serious that you’re trying to cultivate from the ground up. I’m not fully healed yet. But maybe that’s me being too self-aware.

The thing that’s really nice for me at least is that I feel comfortable with myself now. I feel comfortable with my body now. There was a point in time when I was not. At all. It’s that whole mind-body connection. I’m someone who believes in chakras, and my root chakra and my sacral chakra were so blocked. I couldn’t even sense energy. Everything felt out of balance. I knew that everything was blocked. My heart’s blocked. It was just… it’s something that’s so wild. So, I just haven’t put a ton of energy towards dating because I don’t feel comfortable. Still.

There’s a part of me that’s nervous to share my story with others. My senior year of college, I cast a group of dancers for my thesis project. I wanted to cultivate a space that was happy and healthy, where people could be their most unapologetic selves; that was the base of my thesis. I was very open and honest about my recent trauma with my cast. I was hoping to receive care and space back, which is why I brought it up; I think there’s a beauty in vulnerability. But not everybody wants to talk about it. I mean, nobody WANTS to talk about it, but it’s not something everyone is willing to hear out, and I unfortunately ended up getting really hurt. But two weeks after I shared my experience, a friend reached out to me because she was assaulted. She was like, “This just happened to me, and I don’t know what to do.” I talked her through the options, and she said to me, “If you hadn’t come up to me, I would have known no one who had been through what I had been through and who knew exactly what to do.” It was such a realization for me that I can help people. This has been a shitty and fucked up experience, but I can use it to help people rather than to completely shut down.

I’m excited about where things are going for me with dance. There was a time when I was living to the next court date. I didn’t want to audition for anything special. I wouldn’t go for anything that I dreamed of, because I was like, well, if I get booked for a job, I won't be able to go, because I have this court date looming. But once things got postponed in November, I was like, ok, I’m not living for anybody else anymore, I’m living for myself. And immediately that night, I went on Backstage, which is a whole database for dancers to find auditions, and I booked a bus ticket to New York. I just immediately went to New York and started auditioning. Since then, I’ve gone to five or six auditions - cruise lines, musicals, all of these different things. Walnut Street Theatre, performance projects in Philly. And I’ve been cast in a couple. I’m just doing it. I’m being an artist now. I’m fully doing it. I’m super excited - I have a bunch next week. I’m just… I’m finally getting my spark back, which is really, really rewarding. 

I feel like this mental space that I’m in is also helping me be a better teacher. I’m happier. Now that I feel happy with my dancing and I’m dancing for myself, I can be an even greater educator. I can give back to others the joy that I experienced as a kid. I can explain the industry in a way that isn’t cynical. It’s an exciting industry. I like the idea of not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring. I think that’s so rewarding. My dream is to go… I need to be on a cruise line. I’m such a traveler. In 2022, when I graduated, I was able to study abroad in Italy, and I just grew so much from that experience. I think the more you learn about other places and otherness, no matter what it is, you grow more as a person. So I just think I want to be on a boat. Dancing on a boat. I want to just go and learn about different cultures and be around new people and enter a new space. So that’s my goal for right now. I sing too, and I’ve also been curating an album for two years, so that’s in the mix of things for 2024 as well.

“You did not break me.”

I want to speak to survivors of sexual assault. The biggest piece of advice I have is just keep going. Just. keep. going. This might be a really shitty pit in your life, but the beautiful thing about being in a pit is that you can only go up from there. You can always keep building. And it does get better. You have got to keep pushing, because the world is so much more beautiful, and we can build and grow and learn and achieve from here. So just keep pushing.

I also have faith that, although I haven’t found this person romantically in my life yet, there is someone out there who will want to deal with your greatest pitfalls along with your greatest triumphs. You’re never broken to the point that someone won’t want to support you.

I have spoken about my assault enough times now that I can talk about it without becoming completely debilitated. And I think that’s something you have to grow to. I also said it in the middle of court, which is the hardest time I’m ever going to say it. I think it’s important to talk about it, because I do think it could help so many people. I’m a very open book, and I take pride in that.

Everything going on with my trial right now is a mind game. It’s such a mind fuck. They want me to say that I don’t want to do it anymore. But when I’m feeling strong in the moment, I’m like, they picked the wrong one. I’m the wrong one to pick, because I will fight this. I will keep fighting this. I don’t care how long it takes; I’m here, and I’m fighting it. My mom and my best friend were my witnesses and have been so strong alongside me. There’s a beauty in it. We are a force to be reckoned with. There’s a lot of power in it.

This process has put me through so much. But I’ve grown. I’ve grown as a human because of it. It changed my perspective on a lot of things in my life. And now I’m just working on healing.

Improv by Natalie Devlin